Interpersonal #2 : The Nature of Friendship

I have found that true, genuine friendship is the rarest bird of all. 

By true friendship I mean friendship for friendship's sake, with no ulterior motives getting in the way.  Platonic love.  I'm not just friends with you because you have a swimming pool in your backyard, rather, I am friends with you because of the person you are.   

You have a lot of friends when you are young because there are so many kids around and you all have roughly the same schedule.  It's easy, and the exuberance of youth propels us into each other.  We are doing everything for the first time together and we don't have as many responsibilities as we will later in life. 

As we cross into our early to mid 20s, reality reveals itself.

You don't spontaneously hang out with anyone anymore.

Not quite as many surprise birthday parties are being planned.

There are a lot of people you almost never hear from anymore, even if you initiate contact with them. 

You begin to realize that there are certain people you would literally never hear from again if you didn't make the effort to contact them.  Some of these people were once great friends of yours and you are insulted by their new indifference.  You have made countless memories with these people. 

You have that one friend that joins a cult. 

As we get older, the primal, visceral reality sets in.  People are mainly concerned with 2 things.

(1) Sex

(2) Money

Depending on the person, one or the other is more important.  Friendship for friendship's sake becomes less thrilling for most people.

If you and your peers are age 23 or older, and you aren't helping someone make money, and you aren't having sex with them, then they probably don't care about you all that much.  A lot of people you consider friends would sell you out in a second if they had to.

"I'll always be there for you.  I mean... you know... unless it's the slightest bit inconvenient." 

Once you and your friends start getting older, it doesn't matter how cool of a person you were over the years.  It doesn't matter how good of a friend you've been to these people.  It doesn't matter what you've been through together.

We're 23 now.  Are you making me money?  Are you having sex with me?

You didn't even have some huge fight with these people, they're just... gone.    

I actually consider myself an eternal optimist overall.  Can you believe it?

If you have 1 or 2 "Ride or Die" friends on your roster once you get to age 23+, you're doing great.  All those people who have faded out of your life... it's not that they hate you, or wish you ill will, or anything like that (usually)... it's just that they probably have families and / or careers and / or drug habits of their own now, and their disappearing act is... natural?  Maybe it's natural.

I've come to believe that most of the time, what we think is friendship, and what we think is love, is really just an illusion.  It's the divine part of our humanity trying to create something that isn't really there.  In the end we're just super intelligent monkeys looking for money and sex.  Usually.  There are those exceptional people in your life, like I mentioned before.  Those rare, beautiful flowers that actually care about you as a person.   

In an era where communication technology makes staying in touch so easy we still lose almost everyone to the passage of time.  If you don't hear back from someone nowadays, it's because they really don't care.

The real deal friends, the genuine article... that is the most beautiful treasure in the world.  You can't buy it.  You really just luck into finding it.   

This is why your Mom kept preaching "family first" when she was dragging you to your 5 year old cousin's birthday parties while you were growing up.  Because she knew the vast majority of your friends wouldn't be there in the end, so she wanted you to cultivate the relationships with your family members.  DNA counts for a lot.  Your really good friend is not the same as your brother or sister.  It is not the same thing.

If you're ever sitting around wondering where that huge chunk of friends went, don't worry.  You're not the only one.