Interpersonal #1 : Facing Conflict Head On

No one can annoy us quite like our immediate family members can.  Whoever coined the phrase "familiarity breeds contempt" was spot on.

The more you know about someone, the harder it is to like them or love them.  If you do know a lot about a particular person, and you do still like them or love them... congratulations!  Hang on to that person.  In all likelihood you will only have a handful of these people in your life by the time you are 30 years old.  A handful if you're lucky.    

Anyway, this essay is mainly about unresolved tension within a family.  The tension could be between just 2 family members, like the time you stole your sister's college boyfriend, [thanks a lot Jennifer] or it could stem from an issue that involves multiple family members.  Like that time Mike borrowed $50,000 to start a business that went down in flames 6 months later.  Or the time you told your parents that someone was abusing you but they didn't believe you.   

Unresolved tension is a killer.  In life, it's the in between that hurts the most.  When you are between decisions, or between the beginning and the ending, living in that limbo... it's a rough ride.  It's like being on trial.  Will you be found guilty, or will you be exonerated?  Will it be bliss, or despair?

This is why people love predicting things.  It could be a sports fan predicting the outcome of the Super Bowl, or it could be a student trying to predict which essay questions will show up on the big History exam, or it's an investor looking for the next hot stock market tip, but whatever it is, people want to know the answer sooner rather than later because the in between is so stressful.  "Maybe" is the least satisfying word in the English language.    

When you see family members arguing over some tiny detail, some minuscule point that could not possibly matter less, you are probably seeing the toxic result of unresolved tension.  There is some deeper problem they have been ignoring for a long time, but they can't seem to talk about that actual problem.  Instead, they get into a huge argument over the correct way to fold the towels.  

Out of the thousands of chess games I played, I only found 1 player that refused to resolve the tension on the board.  He chose to leave as many pieces on the board as possible, instead of trading pieces off along the way.  It kept the board crowded.  There was that much more to keep track of.

Trading pieces off as you go along is by far the most common approach to chess, regardless of the players' skill level, so this opponent of mine was a real anomaly.  I played this person twice in a row and these were the most difficult games of my life.  We each won a game, as black.  Hopefully I never cross paths with this person again!  

Sometimes the other person involved in the unresolved conflict refuses to participate in any kind of resolution, and at that point you have a few options.  I'll cover those at the end.  In the meantime let's talk about those situations that still look like they could be resolved.  

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Maybe things have been festering for years.  Maybe you have gotten really good at tip toeing around a certain issue.  Maybe you used to live with the family members you have unresolved tension with, but now you don't.   

Having a direct conversation with the people involved can bring huge relief as you finally bury the hatchet and clear up misconceptions.  Do your best to avoid yelling and cursing.  Here is a blueprint to consider:   

(1) Plan out what you want to say to this person point by point.  Write down a list and notes if you need to and bring it with you to the meeting if you want to.  Try to anticipate what major points the other person might bring up, and think about how you will respond to those questions / statements.

(2) You can practice what you want to say out loud, in private.  Practicing something ahead of time makes it a lot easier and a lot less scary.  That's why the Navy SEALS did like 8,000 run throughs before they stormed bin Laden's compound.  You could even practice the dialogue with a trusted friend as they play the role of the other person.          

(3) Tell the person / people involved that there is something important you want to talk about.  Plan for a time and location that will offer you a distraction free environment.

(4) Bring up the issue in clear, blunt terms.  Don't leave any doubt about what's bothering you.

(5) If you did this person wrong, put your ego aside and apologize to them.  There are few things more contemptible than a person who is clearly in the wrong but refuses to admit it.  Ask if there is anything you can do to make it up to this person, if this seems appropriate.  Acknowledge the pain that you have caused them.  Don't try to make it seem like it wasn't that big of a deal if it clearly is a big deal to them.       

(6) If this person did you wrong, tell them exactly what they did to hurt you and explain to them how it has affected you in the time since.  You can offer them an idea for how they can make it up to you, if this seems appropriate to you.  Hopefully, they will be able to realize the error of their ways and acknowledge the pain they have caused you.  Sometimes, when people are told that they have hurt someone, they try to explain away the situation, instead of just accepting your feelings as valid.  This can be the most challenging part, as you try to get this person to understand that yes, they hurt you, and yes, your pain is reasonable and justified.    


It can be very scary to broach certain topics, but living with that unresolved tension can be much, much worse.



If you are dealing with a person or people who refuse to participate, there are a few things you can do.

(1) If you feel this person has betrayed you in a huge way, you could cut them out of your life.  Obviously this could be easier or harder depending on who this person is.  When one of my old friends kept getting me into dangerous / illegal situations, I finally made up my mind to remove this person from my life and I never looked back.  I haven't had any contact with them in years.  This was an easy decision, but if the person in question is related to you, then cutting them out of your life could be very difficult.

Also, the higher your self esteem is, the less bullshit you'll be willing to put up with from the people in your life.  Learning to love yourself unconditionally is the most important thing you can do for yourself in this life.  That doesn't mean you think you're right about everything, or that you never make mistakes, but when you love yourself unconditionally, you never implode.  You won't defeat yourself.

If you have some underlying issue that undermines your self esteem, you must attack that issue until it is no longer a weakness. 



(2) If you were the person that caused the harm to the relationship, and you're willing to apologize, the other person will probably be receptive to this, especially since people so rarely apologize in this world.  The person you are apologizing to will probably be pleasantly amazed at the novelty of the situation.

Now, of course, it would be ideal if the person receiving the apology accepted it graciously, and didn't throw it back in your face.  If you believe that's what will happen, it makes it much harder to apologize.   

The reason people rarely apologize, is: Most people have flawed egos and psyches that were built on compromised foundations and so they can not handle a stark admittance of wrong doing.  This type of person struggles to face the truth that they messed up and they will do everything else, including shifting the blame, before they will ever apologize to you.  This is a huge weakness that many people have.  They don't want to look in the mirror and analyze themselves honestly.     

But, if the person you want to apologize to does actually refuse to even listen to you, you could send them a written message, or an audio recording, but there is of course no guarantee they will look at it.  At that point you've done all you can do, and you'll have to move forward without expecting anything from them.